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Listening for the Unspoken

3 February 2026

We spend a surprising amount of our lives guessing what other people really think, often getting it wrong. Geof has been reading Jeff Wetzler’s Ask: Tap Into the Hidden Wisdom of People Around You for Unexpected Breakthroughs In Leadership and Life which suggests when we practice curiosity, we create better conversations.

Tags: communication, geof read

What People Don’t Tell You (And Why It Matters More Than You Think)

I teach part time at a local university. Each semester, the class is organized into project teams, with each team focusing on solving a complex problem. During a project check-in with a group of students last semester, I walked through my feedback on their project. Students in the group diligently took notes during the conversation, nodding as I walked through the feedback. They thanked me, packed up their bags, and left. The following week, at the start of class, one of the students casually mentioned she had been completely confused by the assignment for weeks and didn’t want to “look dumb” with questions.

It struck me that I had spent 30 minutes with her group, giving feedback on the wrong problem. The students were cautious to ask for feedback earlier because they did not want to appear ignorant. That did not come up once during the initial feedback conversation. The team didn’t tell me the thing I most needed to know as an instructor.

Enter Jeff Wetzler’s Ask, a book that explores why people keep their most important thoughts, feelings, and insights tucked away in what he calls the “left-hand column.” After reading it, I realized how often I miss what’s actually going on beneath the surface. Not because people are intentionally hiding things (or even maliciously), but because the conditions for honesty aren’t always there.

Wetzler’s book is a practical guide to surfacing the invisible half of every conversation by being curious, and asking questions. It’s also a reminder that if we want to understand others we have to create the conditions that make it safe for them to share, and for us to listen. His central argument is simple: If you want to understand people, you have to earn your way into their left-hand column. And that requires curiosity, safety, and a willingness to hear whatever comes next.

The Left-Hand Column: The Stuff We Don’t Say

Wetzler uses a deceptively simple exercise: two columns on a piece of paper. The right-hand column is what we say. Write down the actual dialogue of a difficult conversation in this column. The left-hand column is what we mean. Capture your unspoken thoughts in this column. According to Wetzler, the left-hand column is where the most valuable information is. Everyone has their own two column “script” of a conversation.

People routinely hide their struggles and what they need, their honest opinions, their feedback for us, and their fears and insecurities – the stuff in the left-hand column. Not because they’re being evasive, but because the situation doesn’t feel safe, clear, or worth the risk. The cost of that silence is real: misalignment, poor decisions, unnecessary conflict, and missed opportunities for connection.

Why People Don’t Tell You the Truth

Wetzler outlines four barriers that keep people quiet:

1. They’re worried about the impact of sharing. They don’t want to hurt your feelings, damage the relationship, or get themselves in trouble. This is especially true when an imbalance in power dynamics exist; think boss and employee, parent and child, and in my case teacher and student.

2. They can’t find the right words. The brain thinks at roughly 900 words per minute. We speak at about 125. Most of what people think never makes it out of their mouths. Not because they’re hiding it, but because, as Wetzler says, “the pipe is too narrow.”

3. They don’t have the time or energy. Sometimes people are overwhelmed, burned out, or simply unconvinced you’ll do anything with what they share.

4. Cultural, identity, and style differences get in the way. What feels “honest” to one person can feel “aggressive” to another. What feels “polite” to one person can feel “vague” to someone else.

Curiosity as a Leadership Practice

One of my favorite parts of the book is the Ladder of Understanding. Wetzler introduces a visual metaphor of a ladder, emerging from a pool. The pool represents our “stuff:” the preconceived notions, beliefs, and perceptions of a situation. The rungs of the ladder represent the steps we take in forming our “story” or interpretation of a situation.

We will often select specific “data points” from our stuff (the pool) and quickly climb the ladder from data to interpretation to certainty and “our story.” The assumptions we make at each step of the ladder are further reinforced by our own confirmation biases.

Wetzler argues that “connective curiosity” is the antidote to this race up the ladder. Collective Curiosity is the desire to understand someone else’s experience (the left hand columns), and he offers a set of questions that interrupt our unconscious trip up the ladder:

• What if my story isn’t the only story?
• What might I be missing?
• What might they be up against?
• How might I be contributing to the dynamic?

These questions soften the edges of a conversation and create the mental space for honesty, for ourselves and for the person with whom we are engaging.  

Making It Safe to Tell You Hard Things

Wetzler also introduces the Safety Cycle, a non-linear approach made up of three parts. I think of this as a mental artifact that I can use as I am moving up and down the ladder of understanding.

1. Create Connection. Slow down, choose the right space for a conversation, and ask about their story. This invites sharing both qualitative and quantitative perspectives. Also share a bit of your own story. This creates the conditions for practicing connective curiosity.

2. Open Up. Explain why you’re asking questions. This can include admitting what you don’t know and acknowledging your own blind spots. This helps people understand your intentions behind your connective curiosity, shifting the tone from an “interrogation” to a conversation.

3. Radiate Resilience. Show you can handle the truth and invite disagreement. One of my favorite ideas of the book is the notion that the person you are having a conversation with is “not responsible for your feelings or reaction.” Sometimes we may hear an answer to a question that we don’t like or learn something about how others perceive us that may be different from what we intend. It takes courage to respond candidly. Thank them for that courage by not punishing them for their honesty.

According to Wetzler, when people feel connected, understood, and safe, they share more, especially from the “left-hand column” of the conversation. And when they share more, you learn more.  

A Final Thought

Wetzler’s book reminded me that most of what matters in human relationships lives beneath the surface. If we want to understand others, really understand them, we have to earn our way into their left-hand column.

And that starts with curiosity, humility, and the willingness to hear whatever comes next.

When you ask better questions, people give you better answers. And sometimes, they give you the truth you didn’t even know you needed.

Wetzler is generous with tools and frameworks from the book, sharing them here at his website: Resources — The Ask Approach

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