What We're Reading Now

Honest Doesn’t Have to Mean Harsh

23 June 2026

Janie watched Adam Grant interview Kristen Bell on his podcast, Re:Thinking with Adam Grant.

Tags: communication, empathy, janie read, janie watched

I recently came across a podcast interview with Adam Grant and Kristen Bell, Kristen Bell on acting, therapy, and overcoming her people pleasing habit.  I enjoyed reading Adam Grant’s Hidden Potential and Kristen Bell is one of my favorite actresses, so I was curious to hear their conversation. I wasn’t sure if I would want to listen to the full interview, but it was a wide-ranging conversation full of inspiring advice and hilarious anecdotes and before I knew it, 41 minutes had passed and the interview was over.

I got hooked early on when Kristen described ordering a coffee on a flight that wasn't made the way she requested. She drinks it and then wants another cup of coffee, but she doesn’t want it made the same way because there was too much cream. Rather than simply asking for less cream, she found herself worrying about how the flight attendant might feel. Would they think she was difficult? Would she make their day harder? She not only described the thoughts going through her mind, but she got up and acted out what she was thinking, and it made me laugh out loud. Then she reflected on the experience with her coach and that helped her realize how much energy she wasted worrying about what the flight attendant might think. She also realized that by not saying exactly what she wanted, she robbed the flight attendant of the ability to get it right, and in a way, that was stealing her joy (something she never wants to do to another person). When you think about it this way, not sharing what you really want is actually rude, not considerate.  

Kristen’s example led into a discussion about people pleasing and the idea that being a people pleaser is actually kind of selfish. It often comes from a place of wanting to control the situation and people’s reactions, particularly their emotions. That's what made Kristen's coffee story so relatable. When she shared the example, it sounded a bit ridiculous (something she admitted while talking about it) but whether it's asking for the right drink or sharing an honest opinion, the challenge is often the same: trusting that we can be considerate without compromising what we need to say.

This example made me think about the first time I was promoted into a management role. Because I had previously done the job I was now supervising, I assumed I would know exactly what to say and do. What I quickly learned was that giving difficult feedback was one of the hardest parts of leadership. If a team member was disappointed, frustrated, or upset, I felt responsible for fixing it. That often meant softening my message, overexplaining, or sometimes avoiding difficult conversations altogether.

What Kristen articulated so well is that there's a difference between being kind and managing everyone else's emotions. I think many of us were taught that honesty and kindness are opposites. If you're honest, you risk hurting someone's feelings, and if you're kind, you hold back what you really think. But Adam and Kristen challenged that idea. Honesty and empathy can—and should—exist together.

To illustrate this, Adam challenged Kristen to give difficult feedback from the point of view of some of the iconic characters she has played during her career. If you’ve ever seen the show, The Good Place, I particularly loved an example when she had Eleanor talk to Michael about taking credit for one of her ideas. She also gave a powerful example as Anna of Arendelle from Frozen. Anna was talking with Elsa and said, “when you have these really heavy problems, I’m not sure I’m strong enough to carry them for you, but let’s keep them here between us and I’ll be right here beside you to help you figure it out.” I’ve found myself thinking about this example several times since watching the interview.

Being able to give difficult feedback honestly and with empathy is one of the (many) reasons I’m so grateful that I get to work with Rachel every day. If you’ve ever worked with her on anything, you know that she is fantastic at straddling this line. She gives critical feedback that is honest, direct, helpful, and kind. While I like to think I’ve gotten slightly better at delivering feedback since my initial stint as a manager, this skill is something I’m always working to improve. If you feel the same way, or if you’re also a big Kristen Bell fan, this interview does a nice job of straddling lighthearted humor with real suggestions on how to be better at this yourself. 

« Return to What We're Reading Now