21 July 2026

Rachel enjoyed a healthy dose of "re" during her annual leadership retreat with Allison. Together, they took time to think big thoughts, contemplate powerful questions, and marvel at nature's majesty.

I spend a significant part of most weeks championing the benefits of deliberate development for leaders. Whether captured in a development plan or not, careful consideration of a desired future state and intentional action to get from here to there is the foundation of lifelong learning and growth.

At Allison Partners, Allison and I are fortunate that most years since 2012, one aspect of our deliberate development has been a retreat. It's not a hardship; usually we visit a lovely destination, we enjoy being both colleagues and best friends, and we include plenty of time for relaxation, restoration, and reimagining. Just because it's enjoyable, however, doesn't make it easy. We dedicate the time a full year in advance, we juggle calendars, we create the conditions. And then, well, then we turn on the out-of-office, quiet the noise, and enjoy.

This year found us in the Smoky Mountains of Tennessee. Nature did its part and gave us a full moon. Our hosts gave us comfort and care. A guide, Jaia, spent time teaching us to make malas, choose an intention, and practice the recitation of a Japa. Luckily for me, that morning I'd been reading David Gate's A Rebellion of Care and was struck by a phrase in Bedfellows: "strength & rest are not strangers." That phrase became both my intention and my meditation.

When hearing about our practice of an annual retreat, it's easy to be caught up in the pleasure and fun of it. It can seem frivolous or unnecessary and, certainly, it is a privilege to be able to invest our time and money in this kind of experience. What strikes me, though, as I recite "strength and rest" in cycles of 108, or as I deepen my own practice of leadership, is that our retreat isn't that unlike the training programs, development initiatives, or advanced studies that I support for others. So cheers to another year of our leadership development, and the progress that it fuels as we pursue both strength and rest.

7 July 2026

Barbara read How to Swear Around the World by Jason Sacher and laughed out loud plus learned some new phrases to release frustration.

The swear book was handed to me by a friend who knew it might be useful at this moment. It made me laugh and gave me a project to find just the right phrase that summed up how I feel about the state of our country and some situations the people I care about are dealing with. Scaher said certain curses “provide an outlet for the pain of a stubbed toe to anger over a tax audit or a bad call from a football ref.”

My husband and I were swearers, and yet we did not come from swearing families. In our early days together, we were both relieved that the other was not offended when we tried out a few words that were habits. I think swearing can be a way to let off steam, describe the intensity of your feeling, and have fun if the words are not directed at someone with a mean tone.

When our daughter was three, she dropped a box of cheerios and said, “Shit.” I jumped in the pantry closet and shut the door to keep her from hearing me laugh. I was astounded that not only did she know the word, she also knew the exact context for saying it. I told my husband that night, and we had to clean up our act for a while.

When our children were teenagers we said, “You can curse if you can learn where you can do it and where you can’t. You can’t swear at school, church, around your grandparents or at people. If I ever get a call from the school, your swearing days are over around us. It cannot become a habit that you can’t control in the proper places.” 

In the introduction Sacher said, “…BE WARY. Every phrase in this book is bound to insult, annoy, or inflame those who hear it, and can get you punched, deported, or worse. Remember, it’s always best to swear with caution. But also swear with joy, You’re a human being; it’s your birthright.”

My favorite three-word swear phrase rhymes and ends with the word “duck.” It is quick and comes out spontaneously when I make a mistake or life sends a lesson I’ve not been looking for. It makes me laugh and, especially, makes my daughter laugh. She said, “I bet not many people have an 80-year-old mother who says that.” I’m usually quiet at first in social settings, and I don’t drink, so I have no trouble maintaining decorum, but I’m totally relaxed around my daughter. We thoroughly enjoy a giggle every single time.

As I read the book, I realized I was mostly interested in French phrases because I took French for four years and knew how the words should be pronounced even if, with my slight southern accent, I never did quite do so properly. I didn’t want a long sentence. In Sacher’ s book, I finally found one that rolls off my tongue—“Quel Bordel!” An expanded version fits my assessment of a lot of situations right now. “Bordel de merde!” My second choice was “Casse-toi.” You’ll have to look them up or read the book if you don’t read or speak French. I won’t translate here.

Sometimes life just needs a swear word or three to release tension or properly describe a moment. If you have some favorites or find a few new ones in this book, I hope you use them wisely.

23 June 2026

Janie watched Adam Grant interview Kristen Bell on his podcast, Re:Thinking with Adam Grant.

I recently came across a podcast interview with Adam Grant and Kristen Bell, Kristen Bell on acting, therapy, and overcoming her people pleasing habit.  I enjoyed reading Adam Grant’s Hidden Potential and Kristen Bell is one of my favorite actresses, so I was curious to hear their conversation. I wasn’t sure if I would want to listen to the full interview, but it was a wide-ranging conversation full of inspiring advice and hilarious anecdotes and before I knew it, 41 minutes had passed and the interview was over.

I got hooked early on when Kristen described ordering a coffee on a flight that wasn't made the way she requested. She drinks it and then wants another cup of coffee, but she doesn’t want it made the same way because there was too much cream. Rather than simply asking for less cream, she found herself worrying about how the flight attendant might feel. Would they think she was difficult? Would she make their day harder? She not only described the thoughts going through her mind, but she got up and acted out what she was thinking, and it made me laugh out loud. Then she reflected on the experience with her coach and that helped her realize how much energy she wasted worrying about what the flight attendant might think. She also realized that by not saying exactly what she wanted, she robbed the flight attendant of the ability to get it right, and in a way, that was stealing her joy (something she never wants to do to another person). When you think about it this way, not sharing what you really want is actually rude, not considerate.  

Kristen’s example led into a discussion about people pleasing and the idea that being a people pleaser is actually kind of selfish. It often comes from a place of wanting to control the situation and people’s reactions, particularly their emotions. That's what made Kristen's coffee story so relatable. When she shared the example, it sounded a bit ridiculous (something she admitted while talking about it) but whether it's asking for the right drink or sharing an honest opinion, the challenge is often the same: trusting that we can be considerate without compromising what we need to say.

This example made me think about the first time I was promoted into a management role. Because I had previously done the job I was now supervising, I assumed I would know exactly what to say and do. What I quickly learned was that giving difficult feedback was one of the hardest parts of leadership. If a team member was disappointed, frustrated, or upset, I felt responsible for fixing it. That often meant softening my message, overexplaining, or sometimes avoiding difficult conversations altogether.

What Kristen articulated so well is that there's a difference between being kind and managing everyone else's emotions. I think many of us were taught that honesty and kindness are opposites. If you're honest, you risk hurting someone's feelings, and if you're kind, you hold back what you really think. But Adam and Kristen challenged that idea. Honesty and empathy can—and should—exist together.

To illustrate this, Adam challenged Kristen to give difficult feedback from the point of view of some of the iconic characters she has played during her career. If you’ve ever seen the show, The Good Place, I particularly loved an example when she had Eleanor talk to Michael about taking credit for one of her ideas. She also gave a powerful example as Anna of Arendelle from Frozen. Anna was talking with Elsa and said, “when you have these really heavy problems, I’m not sure I’m strong enough to carry them for you, but let’s keep them here between us and I’ll be right here beside you to help you figure it out.” I’ve found myself thinking about this example several times since watching the interview.

Being able to give difficult feedback honestly and with empathy is one of the (many) reasons I’m so grateful that I get to work with Rachel every day. If you’ve ever worked with her on anything, you know that she is fantastic at straddling this line. She gives critical feedback that is honest, direct, helpful, and kind. While I like to think I’ve gotten slightly better at delivering feedback since my initial stint as a manager, this skill is something I’m always working to improve. If you feel the same way, or if you’re also a big Kristen Bell fan, this interview does a nice job of straddling lighthearted humor with real suggestions on how to be better at this yourself. 

9 June 2026

Allison read Just 2 minutes a day of this type of exercise may help you live longer and was excited to learn about a study published in the European Heart Journal.

Whatever your age or fitness level, there’s encouraging news: a recent study published in the European Heart Journal found that people who did not engage in formal exercise but accumulated just one to two minutes of vigorous activity each day—in short bursts—had a significantly lower risk of chronic disease and death.

Really? Just two minutes? Yes, it’s true.

In his Washington Post column, Jordan D. Metzl, MD, explains how the study supports the benefits of both vigorous physical activity (VPA) and vigorous intermittent lifestyle physical activity (VILPA). During VPA, your heart rate increases, your breathing becomes more labored, and carrying on a conversation becomes a little more difficult. VILPA, on the other hand, “includes things most people don’t think of as exercise: climbing stairs quickly, carrying heavy groceries, walking uphill with purpose or hurrying to catch a train.”

I was especially encouraged to learn that something as simple as walking a little faster while carrying groceries—or adding a few extra items to each bag—can make a meaningful difference in your health over time.

I start each day by walking my sweet dog, Henry. We’re always out for at least 10 minutes and sometimes as long as 20. Recently, I’ve been following Dr. Metzl’s advice to one of his 64-year-old patients: every few minutes, I increase our pace for 20 to 30 seconds. Henry acts like it’s a fun game, and I’ve noticed an unexpected benefit. My strength training and longer treadmill workouts, which had started to plateau, have improved.

My next goal is to add a brisk walk up the four flights of stairs in our office before lunch each day. Since reading Dr. Metzl’s article in April, I’ve found myself looking for opportunities to add a two-minute burst of VPA or VILPA throughout the day. I’ve always known that a quick movement break helps reduce stress and boosts my energy in the moment. Now I have additional motivation: evidence that just a couple of minutes of vigorous effort can have a meaningful impact on long-term health—and without leaving me too sweaty for the rest of the workday.

Too often, concerns about falls or overexertion discourage older adults from exercising at an intensity that can improve longevity and help prevent age-related decline and injuries. Metzl explains why this type of activity is not only safe for older adults but can be an important part of aging well. Since reading this article, my mother has added going up and down her stairs three times a day. She holds on to the handrails on both sides to help with her balance, but that doesn’t detract from the benefit, and she’s delighted by the increased strength she can feel after just one month of this new activity.

How can you add more VPA or VILPA to your day?

26 May 2026

Geof read Peter Block’s Community: The Structure of Belonging and came away with a deeper appreciation for how transformation happens, not through big plans or distant authority, but through the conversations that create belonging, accountability, and shared possibilities.

About ten years ago I was supporting a leadership transformation program that had Peter Block as one of the central expert consultants. While I’d be honored to say we were partnering on the project, I was more bookending his work. For those who aren’t familiar, Block’s work centers on cultivating community through accountability. He defines community as “social connection through conversations that create belonging and collective agency.” More than a group, a community allows individuals to experience relatedness, shared responsibility, and the capacity to co-create an alternative future. Each of these is critical to transformation.

The group we were working with were senior leaders from around the world. Block had just finished leading an exercise, and one of the participants asked, “what are we going to do next?” Block politely deferred to the group, (and I’m paraphrasing) by saying “Rather than wait for someone to tell you what to do, I’m going to step out of the room, get myself a cup of coffee from the cafeteria, and when I return you will tell me what we are going to do.” The group was energized by the invitation.

What I realized (with great appreciation these ten years later) after reading Block’s book, Community: The Structure of Belonging, is that transformation through community is not built by big plans or distant leaders; it is created one room at a time, through the quality of the conversations we hold. This philosophy, drawn from the core ideas of Community, invites us to rethink how social transformation happens, not as a top-down process but as a bottom-up, grassroots practice of belonging, responsibility, and possibility.

From Stuck to Restorative
Many communities today feel stuck in a cycle of fear, blame, and isolation. This "stuck community" is marked by leader-centric, paternal problem-solving mindsets, and the citizens cast as each consumer or critic. In contrast, Block introduces “the restorative community,” which chooses generosity over scarcity, possibility over prediction, and accountability over control. It is a community where everyone’s gifts are recognized. Real community occurs when people move beyond transactional interactions to accountability, generosity, and recognition of each other's gifts.

Citizenship as a Practice of Freedom
True citizenship in a community is about a willingness to take responsibility for the whole. It means seeing oneself as a cause or contributor to the current state, acting without any expectation of return, and bringing marginalized gifts into the center. Citizenship becomes an engine of change, fueled by accountability and contribution. Think of Kennedy’s famous quote, “Ask not what your Country can do for you, but what you can do for your Country.”

Leadership as Convening
Leadership in this framework is about convening rather than controlling. With community, the leader’s job shifts from top-down direction to naming the situation and context, designing gatherings and conversation that embody the future we want, and listening. They create conditions for stakeholders (citizens, coworkers, or colleagues) to step into ownership and collective agency. These groups foster accountability and discovery of shared concerns, surfacing diverse perspectives and sharing ownership across the community.

Six Conversations That Build Belonging
In the book, Block introduces “The Six Conversations” (these are the foundation of the work I observed ten years ago). The conversations serve as a process that transforms isolated individuals into a connected, empowered community capable of co-creating a shared future. Each conversation plays a distinct role in moving people from separation and blame toward mutual responsibility, generosity, and authentic inclusion. The conversations include:

• Invitation: Creating a freely chosen, personal invitation that clearly states the possibility at stake. It acknowledges the hurdles to transformation and makes refusal acceptable, intentionally bringing together people who might not usually gather.
• Possibility: This conversation is a public declaration of a future distinct from the past. It begins with sharing personal crossroads that help to energize the community. The public declaration reinforces accountability.
• Ownership: Ownership moves the conversation from blame (i.e., stuck) to responsibility. It asks how individuals have contributed to the conditions they complain about and surfaces the stories and payoffs that sustain those conditions.
• Dissent: Dissent safely makes room for doubts, refusals, and resentments. It distinguishes authentic dissent from denial, rebellion, and resignation, clearing the way for genuine commitment.
• Commitment: Commitment is a promise made without expectation of return. It is most powerful when made to peers and must allow refusal without loss of membership. If one refuses a commitment, they are still free to engage with the community.
• Gifts: Conversations focused on gifts shift attention from deficiencies to capacities. They make the group more inclusive by highlighting each member’s gifts. And by each, Block means that every member has a gift to include.

The Power of Questions and Creating Space
Each of the six conversations is rooted in questions. Questions hold transformative power beyond answers. Effective questions are ambiguous and open ended, personal and relevant, and uncomfortable, confronting people with their freedom and inviting ownership and co-creation. 
 

Rather than rushing to solve or answer questions, the leader’s role is creating space for these questions resonate. Rather than solving, leaders allow deeper reflection and collective insight to emerge. This approach replaces advice with curiosity and shapes the context in which possibilities unfold.

Creating space means resisting the urge to fix or close conversations prematurely. It involves holding open the tension of uncertainty and inviting participants to explore their own meanings and commitments. This practice fosters trust, deepens engagement, and nurtures the emergence of new possibilities that cannot be anticipated or prescribed.

Together, the six conversations and the practice of asking powerful questions within spacious, hospitable contexts form the foundation for accountable, generative community building.

A Moral Commitment Beyond Outcomes
Finally, Block’s philosophy of community calls for us to act without an emphasis on results. This seems counter-intuitive, but focusing too much on outcomes can lead to coercion, control, and a transactional mindset that undermines trust and generosity. Instead, he encourages acting with generosity and accountability for their own sake, valuing the quality of relationships and individual commitments. This approach allows belonging and collective agency to emerge organically without the pressure of predetermined results, fostering a more authentic and sustainable community.

Community is an inspiring and actional “playbook” for anyone that feels stuck in engaging with others to create transformation, in their work communities, social communities, or at home.

12 May 2026

Barbara read Good Writing: 36 Ways to Improve Your Sentences by Neal Allen and Anne Lamott and learned some encouraging help for editing second and third drafts of any kind of writing—essays, memos, emails, articles, stories, and poems.

Anne Lamott has been with her husband Neal Allen for ten years. He started his career as a smart journalist and moved on to all kinds of other writing. She’s a brilliant, kind, wise ass who has had over ten books on the New York Times best seller list. They are each other’s first readers, and they greatly improve their drafts before they send them to book editors. He gave clear instructions with examples going back to Aristotle and Socrates. She contradicts some of his words especially if they get highfalutin. I chuckled each time she didn’t agree with him and laughed out loud when she wrote at the end of rule 17, “No one expects this marriage to last.”

I’ve enjoyed using AI for all sorts of research projects and recommendations, but so far, I have resisted using it to improve my writing. I think it may be that as I write my memoir, I do not want anything other than the human editors I’ve chosen to impact my voice in my writing. Therefore, you can imagine that I found myself especially excited about an old-fashioned list of 36 things to try on my own.

When Allen was first starting out, his editor at the Kingston Daily Freeman told him, “The trick is to write with your verbs.” He lived by that one rule and over the years kept adding to the list until he came up with 36. Anne Lamott has been giving his list to people in her writing retreats and to those she coaches. He decided to expound on each rule and put them in a book. When she found out what he was working on, she said—what if I react to each one and we write it together. He was not excited about it at first but then warmed up to the idea.

I was well informed with each of Allen’s rules, but I wouldn’t have kept reading if Lamott hadn’t chimed in on every item. She reinforces many of his rules and is sweetly sarcastic with the ones she doesn’t agree with. I don’t usually like teasing and believe it usually undermines safety and trust, but they are equals in this partnership and there’s an underlying warmth that somehow made it okay for me.

In the section called—"Read This First,” Allen said he’d been happy with his first rule for some time—Use strong verbs. It enabled him to have powerful ledes, tell the hard cold facts, and not be flowery. Then he read an article by R. W. Apple, a New York Times political writer, who had the front-page article on the first royal wedding in 1981:

“The 2,500 guests inside Christopher Wren’s Baroque masterpiece, St. Paul’s Cathedral, the hundreds of thousands who watched the wedding party ride in magnificent horse-drawn carriages from Buckingham Palace to the cathedral and back, and the 700 million television viewers around the world witnessed a fairy tale come to life: the handsome Prince Charles in naval uniform marrying the lovely 20-year-old Diana Spencer, daughter of an earl, amid the sort of splendor the modern world has all but forgotten.”

Then Allen said, “Here stood a hard news reporter packing information into one elegant phrase after another, and I trembled in shame.” At the at point in his career, Allen had never used such beautiful language in a news story.

I thought if he can admit to being humiliated on page two of the book, I can admit my struggle about second drafts. I love writing “shitty first drafts," Lamott’s term in her most famous book, Bird by Bird: Some Instructions on Writing and Life. The freewriting process where anything that pops into my mind goes on the page is fun for me. If I write something I like or think might be good, I’ll put a perpendicular line in the margin and go back and type those words into my computer.

I dislike when it is time to start to organize those thoughts. I feel lazy, fuzzy brained, and not smart enough. I procrastinate. I’ve been known to pick dust out of the corners of the carpet in my office. When Allen said he was ashamed, I felt better about stalling in the early part of working on a second draft. I reminded myself that the resistance is part of my process. Once I get some reasonable order in place, I get over it, so there's really no reason to beat myself up about my procrastination.

When I finished reading their book, I was editing an essay and these rules I remembered with only one reading of the book influenced me as I was working on a second draft:

• Use and love a thesaurus to find better verbs than you had in your first draft. Example: “’We tried to go a week without Internet” could be “We hunkered down for a week without Internet.”
• But stop trying to find synonyms for “He or she said.” No one pays attention to them, and it is the best way to indicate someone is talking.
• Don’t show off and use words that people will have to look up. Recently I was working on a piece and the word deleterious popped in my head. I knew the tone was not right for the story, so I changed it to harmful.
• Replace words like—this, it, very. He quoted William Allen White, an early 20th century editor, “If you feel the urge of ‘very’ coming on, just write the word ‘damn,’ in the place of ‘very.’ The editor will strike out the word ‘damn,’ and you will have a good sentence.”
• Don’t repeat significant words close together. I’m working on my memoir and was writing a chapter about when my mother died. I had used the word “casket” twice in one paragraph. I changed one of them.

After I finished applying the rules that stuck in my head with a first reading, I reread the list of 36 rules multiple times. Allen’s 34th rule is “Break the rules.” When you’ve learned all of the rules and practiced them, then consider breaking one if it seems best for your piece but then go back to following it when you work on your next draft.

The last rule is “Worship (Talented) Editors.” Lamott said, “It is no exaggeration to say good editors are 30 percent of the reason you love the writers you do.” I am fortunate to have my daughter and my writing group as editors. They push me to do better but never so far that I feel dejected, and they make changes that honor my story and my voice. Neal and Lamott always read each other’s drafts to make the sentences stronger. Lamott said, “Almost every writer needs a partner who can look at your work with fresh eyes—you are either going to be bored with your work by the second draft and need encouragement and / or advice, or, worse, think it’s just fine and quite ready to send off to your editor that moment.”

Lamott and Neal emphasize that the 36 rules are not for first drafts or freewriting. She says we must all do anything you can to get words on paper or the screen and then polish them by applying all the rules that are appropriate. I plan to pull out the list regularly to help me be more cheerful about editing a second draft.

28 April 2026

Janie read How to deal with chronically negative people by Maggie Penman and appreciated her suggestions on how to be a better listener when dealing with someone who is chronically negative.

We all know someone who defaults to the worst-case scenario. Imagine you’re talking about dinner the night before and you blink and realize you’re in the middle of a litany of complaints. My first instinct in those moments is usually to try to reframe things to make whatever we’re discussing seem more positive. However, this isn’t always effective and lately I’ve found that sometimes it makes things worse. In a recent article in The Washington Post, How to deal with chronically negative people, Maggie Penman talked with several therapists about better ways to handle negative conversations.

Tina Gilbertson, author and therapist said, “Sometimes a person who is negative really just needs to feel like they’re being heard. If you’re up for it…listen to identify the emotions the person seems to be expressing, rather than responding to the facts of their story.”

I thought this was an interesting approach and realized that maybe I’m trying to “fix things” when what I really need to do is just listen. Since reading this article, I’ve been trying to do a better job of listening without jumping in to offer suggestions or try to reframe the conversation. I tell myself; I’m not trying to solve anything, I just want to try to understand and offer empathy. Gilbertson recommends trying to name the emotion you think you’re hearing, i.e., “It sounds like you’re feeling really worried” to hold up a mirror for the person and help them recognize what they are feeling.

Photo by Vitaly Gariev on Unsplash

I tried this approach recently with a colleague who was frustrated about something. Normally, I would have jumped in with suggestions or tried to reframe things. Instead, I paused and said, “It sounds like you’re feeling really overwhelmed.” They agreed and then shared a bit more context I hadn’t been aware of. The conversation felt calmer and more productive, and I walked away with a better understanding of where they were coming from. I didn’t even need to pitch in to help or add anything to my to-do list.

This article reminded me that it’s not my job to make someone less negative or to solve what they’re going through. What I can do is listen without rushing to respond, stay curious, and resist the urge to jump in. When I focus on understanding instead of fixing, the entire tone of the conversation shifts, and that’s often what makes the biggest difference.

31 March 2026

Rachel was inspired by David Gate’s words in A Rebellion of Care: Poems and Essays and started noticing more opportunities for quiet rebellion in everyday life.

Over the past year, I’ve been in countless conversations about the pace of change, the polarization of communities, the challenges of ambiguity, and the perils of daily life. While I count myself lucky to be safe and warm and privileged, it’s exhausting. Since staying under the covers seems like a poor strategy, I’ve found myself seeking (and sometimes finding) things that bring solace and direct energy more constructively. Little spots of light that enable resilience and action.

In the introduction of A Rebellion of Care, Gate wrote: “...the most important thing is for us to care for the world, ourselves, and each other. And more, to do so is a radical position... I am interested in radicalizing us into a different kind of life—a life of unrelenting care.” When I first saw a snippet of his work last year (on Instagram, of all places), a poem stopped me in my tracks. I found Gate’s website and subsequently his book has found a home on my desk. (I’ve even traveled with it, and if you know how little I like carrying stuff, you know that’s saying something.)

As much as the individual writings and poems, this notion that the very act of caring amid and in spite of a sometimes mixed-up world is in itself rebellious feels almost liberating. I didn't know that I needed a “permission slip” to rediscover that care is an ethical and often courageous act. At times when things feel “too much,” I appreciate Gate’s reminders of human idiosyncracy, and the reflection that sometimes power resides in nuance rather than proclamation. And that, sometimes, two opposing things can both be true.

from David Gate, A Rebellion of Care, page 187

Despite all those conversations I’m part of, I don’t know that I’ve found or revealed any clear answers. The world might swirl, but I still show up. I still try to listen with curiosity and compassion. I still work to make each day a little bit better. And now, I get the satisfaction of feeling just the slightest bit rebellious while I do it.

17 March 2026

Barbara read David Brooks’ new book, How to Know a Person: The Art of Seeing Others Deeply and Being Deeply Seen, and appreciated affirmation that her practice of asking questions is the pathway to deeper connections.

David Brooks is a PBS NewsHour contributor, and earlier this year retired after 22 years as an opinion columnist for The New York Times. He describes himself as someone who changed from being a person who didn’t even know he had feelings to one who allowed himself to feel deeply. He explains his journey with fabulous examples and humor that I think will help people learn to experience their own feelings more fully and give them inspiration to ask bigger, better questions.

His junior year in high school he wanted to date a woman. Brooks said, "After doing some intel, I discovered she wanted to go out with another guy. I was shocked. I remember telling myself, 'What is she thinking? I write way better than that guy!' It’s quite possible I had a somewhat constrained view of how social life worked for most people."

Brooks grew up in an intellectual family that was loving but reserved and did not express feelings. He came to realize you can only know a person if you know what they feel as well as what they think. To learn to recognize feelings in others, he first had to recognize them in himself. It was not an easy process. He read books, he interviewed people, he searched for feelings in others and himself even when it made him uncomfortable, and most of all he tried harder to listen more.

As he set about to make changes he said, "I had these novel experiences: 'What are these tinglings in my chest? Oh, they’re feelings!' One day, I’m dancing at a concert: 'Feelings are great!' Another day, I’m sad that my wife is away on a trip: 'Feelings suck!'"

Even so, he continued to learn how to recognize his feelings and gave many examples of questions to ask people to learn how they feel. They do not call for simple yes or no answers. They are big questions, but he said if you ask with a gentle face and no judgment, people will answer. Some examples: "What would you do if you weren’t afraid? If you died tonight, what would you regret not doing? Can you be yourself where you are and still fit in?"

Among the numerous questions he listed, he also included some easier ones that address the positive side of life: "What’s working really well in your life? What are you most self-confident about? What has become clearer to you as you have aged?" If you read some of our favorite books and articles on coaching, you’ll discover these are the kinds of questions professional coaches ask, too.

I also included several sets of self-discovery questions in my book, Turn Your Face: How to Be Heard and Get What You Want Most of the Time. I used them when I was coaching physicians. They helped the physicians to get to know themselves and helped me to get to know the physicians.

In Chapter Three of my book, I list 10 Now Moment questions from my 1982 Master’s Thesis, The Chosen Self Dances in a Writing Class. Our coaches at Allison Partners use these questions when they begin working with a new client.

In addition to asking powerful questions, Brooks also explains that getting to know someone requires a conversation where you truly listen. You sit up, turn your face toward the person, put down or get away from all screens, ask questions that show you’ve heard what they have said so far, and  encourage them to continue their story. The best listening is in-person, but it can be done on the phone or on video if you are truly paying attention as though the other person was in the room with you.

Brooks said, "Over the course of my career as a journalist I...have found that if you respectfully ask people about themselves, they will answer with a candor that takes your breath away. Studs Terkel was a journalist who collected oral histories over his long career in Chicago. He’d ask people big questions and then sit back and let their answers unfold. 'Listen, listen, listen, listen, and if you do, people will talk,' he once observed. 'They always talk. Why? Because no one has ever listened to them before in all their lives. Perhaps they’ve not ever even listened to themselves.'"

The stories I’ve shared so far are my favorites from Part 1 of his book and serve as instruction for how to implement his lessons. But I was even more moved by the stories in Part 2 where Brooks explains that the things he recommends work in normal times, but we are not living in normal times.

He wrote, "Our failure to treat each other well in the small encounters of everyday life metastasized and I believe, led to the horrific social breakdown we see all around us. This is a massive civilizational failure. We need to rediscover ways to teach moral and social skills. This crisis helped motivate me to write this book."

People are lonely and less connected. Loneliness leads to meanness and anger. "Angry people are always in search of others they can be angry at….A person who is perpetually angry….misperceives what the other person said so he can have a pretext to go on the vicious attack."

However, he reiterates that all emotions can be useful. "Unless they are out of control, emotions are supple mental faculties that help you steer through life. Emotions assign value to things. They tell you want you want and don’t want."

Brooks shares so many examples of how to learn how to become more empathetic, kind, and capable of understanding your own and others’ emotions. He recommneded reading "...biographies or complex, character driven novels and plays like Beloved or Macbeth." Search out friends, get them to tell you their stories with positive and negative emotions. Be with them when they are suffering in the way that they need, not the way you would need.

Throughout the book he gives reports on his own personal progress of getting in touch with feelings and seeing them in others. He modeled what he was teaching by telling stories about how he improved, but also how he could backslide. He said, "I go into a dinner party determined to listen deeply, but then I have a glass of wine and start telling stories about myself." His honesty about how he stumbled made it easier for me to forgive myself for past listening mistakes.

Sometimes I worry that my questions might invade someone’s privacy or take us into a difficult topic I’m not ready to talk about. But Brooks reminded me that the risk of asking too many questions is worth taking and as long as I watch to see if the questions are being well received, everything will probably be okay.

3 March 2026

Janie read Getting Along: How to Work with Anyone (Even Difficult People) by Amy Gallo and appreciated Gallo’s no-nonsense recommendations.

We all know that relationships at work matter, but how often do we treat them like a skill to be learned instead of a nuisance to tolerate? In Getting Along: How to Work with Anyone (Even Difficult People), Amy Gallo offers practical suggestions for improving workplace dynamics, whether you’re dealing with passive aggression, office politics, or a different challenge.

One of Gallo’s key points seems obvious, but I think it’s very easy to forget. You can’t control how other people behave, but you can control how you respond. Focusing on my behavior instead of the other person helps me move from frustration and blame into finding a solution. Gallo offers many excellent suggestions for ways to do this. Here are just a few of my favorites.

• Stop trying to fix others and focus on yourself
  Instead of hoping a difficult coworker will change, focus on how you can show up differently. I’ve been amazed at what a difference taking a few minutes to breathe before tackling a difficult conversation can make.
• Remember your point of view isn’t the only one
  We all see things through our own lens. Trying to understand where the other person is coming from can help you find common ground.
• Reframe conflict as an opportunity
  Conflict on its own isn’t the enemy; poorly handled conflict is. When disagreements arise, try to think of them as data about unmet needs or misunderstandings. I’ve found when I make myself focus only on the facts and not how I might feel about a situation, it’s much easier to feel calm and have a productive conversation.

Photo by Brett Jordan on Unsplash

Many years ago, I had a colleague who appeared to always do everything at the last minute, including her arrival at the office. This used to drive me crazy. I started to think she just didn’t care, which made me resentful. After a few years working together, I learned she had a medical condition that caused her a lot of pain and made it very difficult for her to get out of bed, particularly in bad weather. Knowing this changed my thinking and helped me let go of my resentment. It also made me a better co-worker because instead of being annoyed, I focused on what I could do to ensure that even if she was running late, it wouldn’t cause any issues.  

Ironically, in the years since then, punctuality has become harder for me, and I’ve become much less annoyed by people that run late because I am one of them. Reading this book helped me see that when I had less of an issue being on time, I was annoyed by others that struggled with it. Now, my life is totally different than it was when I was in that role, and I am late more often than I am on time. I never mean to keep other people waiting, but regardless of my intentions, I still do it. It’s easy to excuse my own lateness and assume that whoever I kept waiting knows that something must have come up that made me late. But I wasn’t willing to do this for my colleague years ago because I was too focused on how I perceived the situation.

Reading this book reminded me how important it is to challenge my own perspective and to focus on what I can do. I’ve started pausing to ask myself, “What’s within my control here?” Asking myself this interrupts my instinct to judge and helps me shift my focus toward curiosity. It doesn’t always come naturally, but when I pause and ask this question, I’ve found that I listen better, I see nuances I would likely have missed, and finding common ground becomes possible instead of conflict seeming inevitable.