What We're Reading Now

Listen to Understand, Not to Fix

28 April 2026

Janie read How to deal with chronically negative people by Maggie Penman and appreciated her suggestions on how to be a better listener when dealing with someone who is chronically negative.

Tags: empathy, janie read, listening

We all know someone who defaults to the worst-case scenario. Imagine you’re talking about dinner the night before and you blink and realize you’re in the middle of a litany of complaints. My first instinct in those moments is usually to try to reframe things to make whatever we’re discussing seem more positive. However, this isn’t always effective and lately I’ve found that sometimes it makes things worse. In a recent article in The Washington Post, How to deal with chronically negative people, Maggie Penman talked with several therapists about better ways to handle negative conversations.

Tina Gilbertson, author and therapist said, “Sometimes a person who is negative really just needs to feel like they’re being heard. If you’re up for it…listen to identify the emotions the person seems to be expressing, rather than responding to the facts of their story.”

I thought this was an interesting approach and realized that maybe I’m trying to “fix things” when what I really need to do is just listen. Since reading this article, I’ve been trying to do a better job of listening without jumping in to offer suggestions or try to reframe the conversation. I tell myself; I’m not trying to solve anything, I just want to try to understand and offer empathy. Gilbertson recommends trying to name the emotion you think you’re hearing, i.e., “It sounds like you’re feeling really worried” to hold up a mirror for the person and help them recognize what they are feeling.

Photo by Vitaly Gariev on Unsplash

I tried this approach recently with a colleague who was frustrated about something. Normally, I would have jumped in with suggestions or tried to reframe things. Instead, I paused and said, “It sounds like you’re feeling really overwhelmed.” They agreed and then shared a bit more context I hadn’t been aware of. The conversation felt calmer and more productive, and I walked away with a better understanding of where they were coming from. I didn’t even need to pitch in to help or add anything to my to-do list.

This article reminded me that it’s not my job to make someone less negative or to solve what they’re going through. What I can do is listen without rushing to respond, stay curious, and resist the urge to jump in. When I focus on understanding instead of fixing, the entire tone of the conversation shifts, and that’s often what makes the biggest difference.

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